brysonturner.com

Billions of years ago, there was a big bang, and things broke off into chunks of rocks and stuff. Over the course of millions and millions of years, gravity caused those rocks to become round. One of those rocks was named Earth by the other rocks.

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Then there were dinosaurs.

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ATTENTION CHRISTIANS. IT IS OKAY TO CONTINUE READING AGAIN. THE LIE YOU ARE LIVING IS SAFE YET AGAIN.
 

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4000 B.C.E. God creates the Earth, and in his infinite wisdom, puts two people on it. Sex with relatives commences.

1066 A.D.:  Battle of Hastings.

1776: All men created equal.

1865: All men actually created equal.

1964: Okay, seriously this time, we’re gonna treat everyone equal.

1992: Rodney King beating.

• For those of you expecting a personal history of Bryson, one has been included. However, it should be noted that the aforementioned events should not only provide you with a refresher course on the complete teachings of American public schools (with the obvious exception of any reference to Christianity), but—the above list encompassing Bryson’s personal knowledge of all historical events—hopefully it also gives you an idea as to why Bryson felt he had no choice but to pursue a career in comedy, as opposed to a profession that requires intelligence or any level of retention whatsoever.

Born in 1982, Bryson grew up in a cluttered suburban home about 30 minutes north of Pittsburgh. The middle child of three boys, Bryson’s parents remained married and fairly supportive of their children throughout his childhood. This support was tested as he showed little interest in school and instead became a pinch runner for the Pirates during their run of three consecutive division championships in the early 90’s.* After dominating the SAT’s, but little else, during his high school career (which included turning in one paper an incredible 207 days late**), Bryson headed to Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. There he discovered stand-up comedy as a way to tell people about things that he hated. His hobby slowly grew to be a passion and he started performing in Columbus and Pittsburgh as well as Athens, never staying in one place long enough for anyone to actually notice his progression from novice hack to slightly-more-experienced hack. After graduating from OU devoid of honors and hanging around the small town of Athens much too long to be considered not creepy, Bryson decided to move to the Baltimore/Washington DC area and pursue comedy with the same half-assed attitude, but in a larger market. Because, after all, big fish can’t swim in a small pond, but small fish can really survive in anonymity just about anywhere. Then he decided to write his own bio on his website. And the rest, as they say, is history.

* Now is a good time to make the point that some parts of my bio are fabricated.
** That is not one of the things I fabricated. 207 days late.