brysonturner.com

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This will be pretty much most Sundays, for at least the first couple months of 2009. Cap City is cool enough to have an open-mic where local comics can test their shit on a pretty decent audience, and so we tend to take advantage. Also, it’s fun, and it’s only $2 to get in. So don’t be a bitch, you little bitch.

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That came out wrong. That’s what she said. Nice.

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Update:  I’ve added the guest spots to this listing as well.  They will be on Tuesdays until further notice.

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This will be pretty much most Sundays, for at least the first couple months of 2009. Cap City is cool enough to have an open-mic where local comics can test their shit on a pretty decent audience, and so we tend to take advantage. Also, it’s fun, and it’s only $2 to get in. So don’t be a bitch, you little bitch.

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That came out wrong. That’s what she said. Nice.

- - -

Update:  I’ve added the guest spots to this listing as well.  They will be on Tuesdays until further notice.

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This will be pretty much most Sundays, for at least the first couple months of 2009. Cap City is cool enough to have an open-mic where local comics can test their shit on a pretty decent audience, and so we tend to take advantage. Also, it’s fun, and it’s only $2 to get in. So don’t be a bitch, you little bitch.

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That came out wrong. That’s what she said. Nice.

- - -

Update:  I’ve added the guest spots to this listing as well.  They will be on Tuesdays until further notice.

-

This will be pretty much most Sundays, for at least the first couple months of 2009. Cap City is cool enough to have an open-mic where local comics can test their shit on a pretty decent audience, and so we tend to take advantage. Also, it’s fun, and it’s only $2 to get in. So don’t be a bitch, you little bitch.

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That came out wrong. That’s what she said. Nice.

- - -

Update:  I’ve added the guest spots to this listing as well.  They will be on Tuesdays until further notice.

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This is just a quick thank you to everyone at Washington and Lee who came out to the show on Tuesday, September 4, and watched me perform at the Stackhouse Theater. 

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With apologies to all those I am leaving out — and there are many — let me say thanks especially to my new German friend who couldn’t resist the lure of Lexington, your friend from Ukraine, the friend I mistook for Germany girl that was actually from somewhere else (Ecuadorian?  Portuguese?  Am I even close?  My apologies…Americans are self-absorbed assholes.  But then you probably already knew that), the three frat guys who sat in the front, the girl who was going to leave but gave me a chance, all the non-drinkers who were desperate for something to do, all the drinkers who needed a place to detox, and even the four dudes who we met before the show that helped with my research on campus life (or lack thereof).

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In all seriousness though (which is rare, being a comic and all), I had an absolute blast at W and L, and I owe everyone who came to the show and was so receptive to everything I threw at them.  Best of luck the next four years, and thanks for letting me be a part of your ride.  Hopefully I can come back down there sometime and perform again…if the place hasn’t burned down by then.

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Washington and Lee, you rock.  Here’s a picture of the question and answer session I did after the show, which - admittedly - did not go as well as the show itself.

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Opening for the hilarious Maria Bamford - come to this great, great show!!!  Tickets are 22 bucks, and well, well worth it.  Erik Myers is gonna be featuring as well.  It’s a great show from top to bottom.  Or, chronologically, from bottom to top.

Seriously, come to this show - you will have a blast.

Opening for the hilarious Maria Bamford - come to this great, great show!!!  Tickets are 22 bucks, and well, well worth it.  Erik Myers is gonna be featuring as well.  It’s a great show from top to bottom.  Or, chronologically, from bottom to top.

Seriously, come to this show - you will have a blast.

Hi.  It’s me, Bryson Turner.  First of all, thanks for coming to my website.  I’m not sure exactly what you expect to see, or hope to find, or yearn to discover, but the one thing I promise you I won’t give you is redundancy.*  That, and I promise I won’t say the same thing more than once.

In addition to that, though, I am also making a promise that I will do whatever I can to make this site enjoyable to come to, to check out, to look at, to browse, to peruse, to log onto and click around while–I think you get the idea.

One thing I can not promise (I am never really sure whether it’s better to write “can not” as one word or two.  I still remember in Mrs. Hutchinson’s second grade class, when they changed it up on us and told us that we were to write it as two words, instead of one, as we had been taught up until that point.  Just another example of public school’s inability or unwillingness to make up its mind or take a stand on anything.  So I write it as two words.  Call me stubborn, but if you want me to change, I willnot)

I like tangents.  Know that.  But I get so passionate about a lot (I am never really sure whether it’s better to write “a lot” or…nevermind.  (Never mind?)) of my parentheticals (see also:  previous parenthetical (also see also:  current parenthetical)) that I get completely sidetracked and what begins as a minor tangent will end up completely derailing me from my original point.

Where was I?  Oh yeah - I like tangents.

No.  Before that.  Where was I?  Oh yeah - one thing I can  not promise.  One thing that I cannot…can not…ca  ‘nt…one thing I am not able to promise is that everyone who checks out this site will enjoy it.  Frankly, the only way I could guarantee a 100% approval rate is if I put porn on here, and until my fans get either much  more passionate or much more drugged, I just don’t have the resources to do so.

Not everyone will like this site.  Not everyone will think it is funny.  But, hopefully, in a perfect world, seventeen year-old girls will.  That’s all any of us can really ask for out of life.  Right?  (Faint sound of sirens in background)

Geez - I’m kidding!

(By that I don’t mean that I’m joking - “kidding” is the term I use to describe trying to commit statutory rape with minors)

Listen.  Let’s start over.  This is my opening, welcome-to-the-birth-of-my-new-website blog.  I don’t like the term ‘blog’.  It’s a letter.  A letter to you, the reader.   It’s a thank you, really.  Thank you - in advance - for putting up with all of my crazy ramblings, my random parentheticals, my offensively-inaccurate observations, and the rest of the inevitable transgressions that I commit while running this site.  Thank you for thinking - on some level - that I’m either funny enough or interesting enough to check out this site in the first place.  And thank you - again, in advance - for coming back again and again to check out how both the site has changed, and how me and my mind and my growth as a comic have changed, and how those changes affect what I think of the world.  A performer isn’t truly a performer without an audience, and even if that audience consists of only a single person, that audience allows for the performer to truly feel that he or she is making a difference in the world.  So thanks for reading this, mom.**

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*  I also don’t know what you wish to witness.  Or what you desire to uncover.

**  That’s a joke.  My mother will be too busy entering contests to win free t-shirts on Snapple.com to ever bother visiting this site.  And I really wish that were not true.***

*** Werenot?****

****  Fuckyou, publicschool.